I was 27 years old when I realized I had monsters in my head. No, I’m not schizophrenic, but I had a raging case of negative self-talk, shame, self judgement and self hatred for years. When you grow up with shame, no one tells you that it’s wrong. No one tells you that you don’t need it, not in the way it debilitates and cripples you, preventing you to become or recognize the whole and beautiful person you already are.

These self talks, now I recognize as monsters, told me that I was never enough. Not smart enough, good enough, successful, thin or pretty enough. These voices yelled at me the moment I did something wrong, saying “You idiot!! You moron! You are so fat. See how stupid you are?” These words are harsh, and they are the words I heard every single day, reinforcing the shame I felt. Shame is something we develop over time, something learned from our environment, not something we were born with or meant to carry.

If you have these kinds of voices, you have negative self talk in your head:

1. Self Shame / Anger: “Idiot!”, “Stupid!”, ‘I’m such a <insert self deprecating word here>!”

2. Fear: “I can’t!” “If I do this, <insert something frightening here> will happen!”

3. Guilt: “I’m not enough”, “I’m not <insert adjective> enough”. “I should have done this, or that”

Recognizing these voices is important. Even more important is recognizing these voices are actually not our own, but something projected onto us and we adopted as real. Voices that spew anger, hate, self-deprecation, fear, and shame are voices that serve to destroy, not build or protect.

How to stop and change the patterns of negative self-talk:

1. Notice and recognize the negative self talk. See if you can find a pattern in when the voices arrive. What happens in your body? For me, the words and feelings came together. I began to notice in my body how I just felt bad. The feeling of shame is very distinct, and often combines with the physical sensations of anger and grief. Can you identify your somatic feelings of shame, anger and grief? Notice the words that accompany those sensations. Mine happened when something didn’t go my way, or if someone upset me, or I upset someone, or if I made a mistake or forgot something. I would get lost in my head with stories of judgement, or how I would be judged, then wished for something better. Sometimes the feelings would paralyze me, which only created more shame.

2. Once we recognize and notice the “shame or negative self talk tapes” and sensations that accompany them, pause….. understand that somewhere along the line, these tapes were installed in our heads creating a whole pattern of believing we did something wrong, or we haven’t measured up. Let love and compassion flow in to the parts of us that believe we aren’t good enough, or we have to be something different to be worthy of love, and was told to “shush” or “be quiet”, or to negate our own feelings to benefit others, to be accepted, or to not be punished. Lovingly we need to tell ourselves we don’t need to believe these tapes anymore. Take this part slowly, deliberately. Allow yourself to feel the emotions that arise from this shame that’s been carried for so long. Some call shame the splitting of the soul, where we lost a part of ourselves to an event, messages or trauma that blocked us from unconditional love. This practice of pausing and slowing down these tapes to feel and heal them with love and compassion is reclamation. This practice takes time. Self love takes lots of time and healing. Give yourself the time, the care and the permission. If you struggle with this part, ask fo rhelp.

3. Share the stories and tapes in your head with someone you unequivocally trust. To do this all on our own can be difficult. Having support to change patterns can be critical because to change patterns we have to be willing to be uncomfortable. Vulnerability is a superpower as it gives voice to the scary things we don’t want to face alone. Talking to someone objective like a mental health professional, a life coach, wellness coach, spiritual advisor or counselor could make a significant difference. Ask yourself, ask them… are my stories true? Where did they come from? And how can I finally let them go? Negative self talk, these angry voices, are often symptoms of something bigger. When you’ve had enough, it’s time to go digging.

4. Repeat, repeat repeat.

Please note, negative self talk is very different from clinical signs of voices in your head. Negative self talk is something we can control, the other voices are not. Please talk to a professional immediately if you are unsure.

Learn more about how to start your own gratitude practice in our guide.