Gratitude is Not a Consolation Prize.

Gratitude is not the same thing as happiness. Happiness is the sweet layer on top, the moments that comes with icing and sprinkles. But gratitude is something more. A wisdom that exists far below the surface, in the darker places, the places excavated by deep dives and less oxygen. Gratitude cannot be turned on like a light switch, nor is it meant to be a quick fix. It can't be "taught" to children, nor is it an ideal that can be used to incur shame. Gratitude is not a consolation prize. Gratitude is not a "fake it until you make it" or an “act as if” practice. Authentic gratitude, the kind that stirs like a rumble from deep within our core, is showing up to truth in a way that does not circumvent pain, replace loss, or negate the everyday existence of grief.

In a world where terrible things happen hourly, when things can suck at anytime, when grieving loss is a part of every single day of our lives, gratitude is not a cure all.  It can be a life preserver, but it doesn't fix anything. Sometimes it comes easy, sometimes it doesn't come at all. The truth is, gratitude is usually found in the things that never last, the impermanent things, the things we get to hold for brief, savory moments, moments lined with the wisdom of knowing we'll eventually need to let it all go. Some might argue that it's only when we lose these things, that we begin to learn what gratitude really is.

By walking through challenge, by fumbling around lost in the dark, by losing the ones we love, by enduring pain, by knowing grief will never disappear, by living with unfairness and witnessing injustice, through anger, through doing the hard work of keeping it together, or falling apart, through surrender and forgiveness, only then do we get to know wisdom, only then do we get to know what it is we truly live for, only then do we get to feel gratitude at layers deep within our soul. Through these layers, through practice and presence, gratitude is an evolution of being, and a way of feeling, knowing we can never have it all, and finding love for something...everything, anyway.

Learn more about how to start your own gratitude practice in our guide.

Preparing for the Onslaught

Photo by Kyle Cottrell on Unsplash

November has arrived and we all know what that means. It means the flurry of the Holiday season is preparing to pounce upon us. It'll start with holiday decorations in the stores, the onslaught of junk mail from magazines, and the questions to-and-from family members -- "What do you want for Christmas / Hannukah / Kwanza, etc.?"

This also means holiday cheer, the anticipation of gathering with friends and family, the joy of tradition, and remembering that behind all the commercial craziness, there is a deeper meaning and purpose for this time of year. For me, the season is about gratitude, togetherness, family, love, and kindness, and I cannot embody these things if I get swept away in the anxiety of busy-ness, the drama of what's happening in our country today, and the pettiness of the little annoyances I cannot control.

I believe SO much in the impact we have on others just by remembering our own centeredness, our own integrity and conviction in remaining true to who we really are. How do we find peace when the tendency towards chaos, drama, or fight/flight is so palpable and eager to consume?

For me, the best I can do is knowing how to come back to my center. What tools will I employ to re-establish balance once I've teetered off....because I will teeter off.

But first, how do we know when we are off center? What does it feel like? What happens to our body? What happens to our mind? What do we do? What do we say to ourselves? I know when I’m off center because that’s when the negative self-talk happens, or when I start to blame others, or flashes of anger appear out of nowhere, or my need for something sugary is heightened. When I recognize the signs, and sometimes it takes awhile, instead of perseverating on the problem, I ask myself, WHAT DO I NEED RIGHT NOW?

It is a compassionate question, a question that means “Hey, I know this is not who you really are, so what do you need to help you find you again?” Sometimes what I need is just a moment (or several moments) to stop what I am doing and breathe. To stop the incessant chatter in my head knowing it accomplishes nothing. To listen to the silence and feel the stillness, to get back into my body and FEEL. Maybe it means getting something wholesome to eat. Maybe it means going for a walk, or pulling out the gratitude journal, or going to a dance or yoga class, or canceling plans to honor some solitude. Whatever it is, whatever we need to find center, we must listen to our bodies, pay attention and take the time to know wholeness again, even for just a few minutes.

This is a Lifelong Practice, but we will get better at it if we commit to it, knowing we are worth it. Being compassionate with ourselves, allowing room for imperfection and allowing space to return to center is imperative to survive the holidays, to survive anything.

Learn more about how to start your own gratitude practice in our guide.

The 6 Lifelong Practices of a Human

TRUTH is a lifelong practice. Seeing ourselves as we truly are is not easy. Ego offers shades to soften and hide what is real, and what is real is that we are all broken in some way. But the brokenness isn't about shame, it's about healing. When we really see our truth and can sit with it, then we can begin to heal.

HEALING is a lifelong practice. No quick fixes. It doesn’t matter what or who ails us, or where it began, a wound is a wound, it all hurts, and it can show up anywhere at any time. And healing doesn’t mean curing. Sometimes healing means acceptance and forgiveness. Healing never stops, not as long as we are being truthful.

GRIEF is a lifelong practice. Grief is promised to us from the moment we were born. Many of us carry it and don’t even realize it. If you are sad, you are grieving, if you are angry, you are grieving, if you are numbing with alcohol, drugs, sex, tv, games, gambling, etc., you might be avoiding. Grief is alive in all of us and needs to be heard. See Healing.

FORGIVENESS is a lifelong practice. Forgiveness is part of our path to healing and freedom. I once heard a wise woman (Brené Brown) say “In order for forgiveness to happen, something else needs to die.” Expectation. Old stories that no longer serve. What we think we deserve. When we replace how we think something or someone should be, with how it actually is, knowing we can’t control it, change it, fix it, then we can begin to forgive. See Healing. Then see Love.

JUDGMENT is a lifelong practice. Judgment is poison. We learn it from our environment, the people around us, our conditioned minds, and it happens rampantly Every. Single. Day. To stop judging is a lifelong practice and it begins right now, moment to moment by paying attention to our thoughts. Stop judging our bodies, imperfections, aging. Stop judging our past or present, stop judging our children, other people who seemingly have it better or worse, stop judging our partners, parents, stop judging the person in the car next to you. No one wins when we give in to judgment. We all do it. Catch yourself, stop yourself. Judgment is a dirty band-aid for ego that never sticks. See Forgiveness. See Truth.

LOVE is a lifelong practice. We are creators, carriers and vessels of love. Authentic love is unconditional, powerful, expansive, and unending. The truth is, if we really practiced true unconditional love consistently, there would be no room for ego or judgment. But we are human, so love is a practice and a superpower requiring energetic balance. If we constantly give to others without tending to ourselves, our vessel becomes empty, tired, and resentful, and the imbalance eventually becomes harmful. If the love we need is only taken from others, if we are dependent and expectant of others to fill that void in our vessel, we become vampires, exhausting the ones around us, which is also harmful. Finding unconditional love for ourselves and ALL others is the greatest and hardest practice of all, requiring us to look again and again at how we do human.

How we look at truth, especially the painful ones, how we tend to healing our pain, or our grief, how we forgive, or manage our judgment of self and others, and how we love, are all our practices for being human. Being human is a gift, an imperfectly perfect practice not meant to be done alone. We reflect each other and can support, uplift and help one another, we just need to keep practicing. Make mistakes, but keep practicing.

Learn more about how to start your own gratitude practice in our guide.

"To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom" - Socrates

I finally understand it. No one is waiting for me to be better. No one actually needs me to do anything. I become who I am when I stop caring who I am not. I become who I am because I let go of the fear, the judgements, the masks, the story that I am not yet the best version of myself. Authenticity is not about remolding, fixing, studying, chasing success, and working hard to be a better version.

Authenticity, aliveness and true happiness is stepping in to the awareness, presence, and embodiment that our truest self is underneath all that chasing, all that noise and busy-ness. We are already amazing and whole, beautiful and perfect. To truly know thyself, is to feel this in its infinite capacity.

Learn more about how to start your own gratitude practice in our guide.

CONNECTION & ATTACHMENT

BY MISA TERRAL

Connection. We crave to be seen, to belong, to have meaningful relationships with depth and mutuality. When we finally find it, we begin to understand what true acceptance and community feels like. We feel at home, we get comfortable, and then.... something shifts. We experience the laws of impermanence and feel the attachment, in all its heartache and heartbreak. It doesn’t matter how many times we’ve felt it before, we will feel it again..

We would be unrecognizable without the teachings of our past attachments. From attachment, we learn more about ourselves than maybe we were prepared for. What grows as consequence is awareness, and a wisdom that separates the conscious from the unconscious, mindfulness from distraction, and true, deep and meaningful connection wary of blind attachment. Sooner or later, hopefully we can recognize our ego and it's need to define and own, name or cling, and know that each connection is an precious gift not meant to last.

Connections are not something we possess, nor are they things that define us, not if we are truly aware and paying attention. They make us better, transform us, and then they move on. What separates connection from attachment is if we can fully give ourselves to an experience, with all our love, kindness, generosity, forgiveness and our most authentic self, without expecting anything in return. Is this hard? Very, but it is our work from the start.

Learn more about how to start your own gratitude practice in our guide.

Looking for Abundance

BY MISA TERRAL

Abundance. When wishing for abundance, it's not uncommon to think it means wishing for "more" of something. More money, more time, more joy, more peace, more clarity, more love, more freedom.... We know better now, don't we?

When we embrace gratitude as a living breathing practice, it changes our life in a way we never expected. We begin to see abundance everywhere, and in everything. What we have becomes plenty, what we are becomes enough, and what surrounds us becomes a living ceremony, worth paying attention to and honoring every minute we are alive. This is true gratitude and abundance, where our hearts and souls are filled just by the air we breathe, or the people we meet, the food we eat, the rising sun, the body that carries us.

This is not white-knuckled optimism, no, this is a total, honest shift in consciousness, and it’s available to anyone. It almost sounds Disney-like and fairytale, I know, but the road to living a grateful life is not meant to be easy. Simple, yes, but not easy. It doesn’t mean we don’t get triggered, resentful or angry, or grief-stricken. We will question over and again why things happen. What is remarkable is the shift in perspective, even in the anger, because we understand fully that things don’t last. Abundance lives in knowing that nothing lasts or stays the same. This is the paradox. It’s a reconditioning of the mind, a consistent exercise in paying attention and a whole plethora of forgiveness and letting go.

So where to begin? It begins with the consistent and earnest practice of saying "thank you". Every day, to every thing. Physically and mentally pause, say it, or write it down. What moves you, right here, right now? Let it become your mantra, let it become your treasure hunt. Pay attention. Abundance surrounds you.

Learn more about how to start your own gratitude practice in our guide.

Surrender into silence

 Yesterday, in the quiet stillness of early morning, I stood in the darkness before four lit candles and surrendered. I hunger for silence, the need to gaze inward and sit with an empty cup. Not knowing, not wanting, not fearing, not hoping, not fixing.

Just being, listening, feeling. Surrender is not giving up, it’s about letting in and receiving the gifts we were born to receive. We can receive nothing as long as think we can control everything, as long as we think don’t have enough, or we’ve been cheated in some way.

Surrender into silence, unlock, listen and receive. Forgiveness, compassion, gratitude are right there waiting to be let in.

Learn more about how to start your own gratitude practice in our guide.

AWAKE

Gratitude is to...

Live in a way that nurtures the magic of any given moment.

Live in a way that calls attention to connection--to each other, to community.

Live in a way that offers to leave something or someone better than how they were found.

Live in a way that encourages compassion, not possession, or obsession, nor perfection or hate, or fear, power or control.

Live in a way that reminds you how lucky you are to wake up, to have friendships, to dance, to laugh, and cry, to hug, to eat cake or drink tea, to have a home or a job.

Live in a way that keeps you humble, forgiving, present, and awake.

Learn more about how to start your own gratitude practice in our guide.

Sunflowers

Now, more than ever, we need to remember WHY we are grateful. It's almost too much to bear, the collective grief happening everywhere I look. Some days the sorrow is too deep to muster the energy to write a brand new gratitude. So I don't. I accept the state of where I am and instead, borrow a gratitude from last year. I grab a used Pockitude journal, open randomly and read. 

The memories and gratitudes collected in these journals reminds me that joy still sits with me, and can co-exist in consciousness with grief, and anger, the madness in this world. The act of taking the time to read and remember is a gratitude itself, and a form of self care. Today, I am grateful for the treasure trove of memories written permanently in these journals. August 2017: Blooming sunflowers in the community gardens. Why? Because I am reminded to turn my face to the sun and bloom. 

A gift for readers and followers, enjoy a 10% discount code at checkout with Promo code: SUNFLOWERS (expires first day of Spring March 20) --> www.pockitudes.com/shop/

Learn more about how to start your own gratitude practice in our guide.

Exhale and the Life Preserver.

I stopped telling my kids that all I want for them is to be happy. Happy is great, happy has been the long held standard for a satisfactory life. As long as we are happy, all is well. I call BS on that. I’ve been happy plenty of times, and I love it when I’m happy, but happy is fleeting, and like most wonderful things, aren’t meant to last. I want to teach my kids what to do when happy isn’t available, when things just suck and we are trying to survive a mess of a day. What I tell them is Exhale, and Thank you.

There are all kinds of breathing techniques to help anxiety, or anger, but for me, it’s the exhale I long for. The extended, exaggerated, vocal exhale that releases me. We do it subconsciously with sighs, a semi-muted expression of discomfort. Forget the sighs. Bring on the guttural flow of carbon dioxide. Exhale the nasty, exhale the yuck, exhale the sad madness of it all. And then, and here’s where it really counts-- say “thank you”.

Thank you sun, thank you breath, thank you end of the day, thank you pillow, thank you stars, thank you sunset. Thank you for life lived another day. Thank you for reminding me that if I can make it through days without happy, I can make it through anything. Gratitude is the life preserver that keeps us above the water, keeps us moving, just long enough until happy circles back around again.

Learn more about how to start your own gratitude practice in our guide.